Don't know if I'm ready for this...the wounds are still too raw,the pain still searing,the eyes still well up..

How does one cope with a tragedy as numbing as the loss of a loved one even if one saw it coming?How does one cope with death,the ultimate finality...??for nothing that happens in our lives,past or present prepares us for it...What survival mechanisms does one adopt?What does one do with the shattering of beliefs and faiths of a lifetime of prayers and visits to the holy gods?

The only weapon I had with me to stop the outburst of anger,pain,frustration was to shut myself to the memories...memories of the loss,memories of attachment,of bonds,of relationships...so for the next three months I did not think,I pretended it had not happened,...that the dead were not gone...

Then slowly,ever so quietly,sometimes sneakingly for I was afraid to,I visited the past,the remote past in darkened rooms and lively sunshine-filled rooms when the first steps towards consciousness were taken,when thoughts began to take shape,when deeds were a reflection of the protective embrace that surrounded me at all times...and the present future thus formed... 

Then I visited the recent past when failing health and broken dreams had snatched away his most loved ones....

And I visited this past again when he was on the brink of a break-down and had grown cantankerous.....when I could not recognise him.....this was not him whom I knew and loved....this was someone who sometimes aroused intense anger for the unreasonableness of his behaviour...

And I reconciled with this past when he had grown so remote and distant.....for he told me not long before he passed away that he needed to go to a doctor for his fast deteriorating mental faculties....it was really an appeal to be understood and accepted and loved all over again...it was his last long cry to belong......to occupy centre-stage just for once....his power he had long relinquished,his degeneration he had long accepted and learnt to cope and live with...the derision his pathetic state aroused,he took in his stride...

So nobody was really prepared for the end,least of all he--for he was never the typically ailing old man...he was always full of energy even when his limbs failed and was possessed of a strong will even when the vital inflow of oxygen to his brain was being shut out...

We were all too numbed with shock at what had happened for we now realised his importance-even when he did not assert himself,his mere presence had been enough to take important decisions...for he was the guardian,the protector who had never failed to be part of any family event...

It was a nervous,frightening thought that he would be no more-who would we turn to for guidance,for those bits of advice when the going got tough??Who would counsel and advise us so willingly and so lovingly even when he realised that sometimes we went to him only so he would not feel left out...

It made him nervous too for he had always liked to be in command,taking care of others when they were going through a crisis-now when the end was imminent,he was not sure we would be able to live it alone....to do what had to be done when he was gone....

So he made preparations for his going away and of the time after his going away and lest we suffer if he lived long in that vegetable state,actually wanted to hasten his end........only problem was,he loved his family too much and did not want to leave them.......how it must have torn his heart to know he was going away and not be able to see them any more!!!

One hot afternoon when the quiet whirring of the fan was the only sound in the dull dismal hospital room,he told us to throw him into the holy Ganges......he said he'd be born again and come back to us....when or in what form,he had not yet worked out for himself so he left that area untouched.....but it was clear that he was preparing both himself and us for the end.....

He must have been battling with his maker,asking questions,looking for answers and finding none,arriving at his own conclusions,....conquering his fears....He must have been preparing for this final journey.....He must have-he was always so meticulous,taking care of all aspects of life and living down to the last detail....all his life he had lived like a soldier-disciplined,punctual,sacrificing,duty-conscious.....

We tried to make the end as easy as possible for him-we put endless questions to the doctors....couldn't they do something to revive him,anything at all??couldn't they make it painless at least....

A small consolation-in the end,I think he did not feel any pain,he could not have...there was an ex-pression of such peace and tranquillity,so much kindness,so much love..this was his second childhood....The faith,the conviction that he had not failed those who had depended on him and the strength that comes with knowing one's loved ones are there,gave his face a miraculously painless quality.....

Amidst fighting his illness,seeing him slip away,watching him give up the fight and lose the battle,....my views about doctors took on an ambivalent hue....they are god,they have so much power..but they also misuse it...they are humans and being so are prey to the ills that plague humans-exhaustion,fatigue,boredom,plain indifference....

And what about my faith in God?

I concluded without a doubt that there is no god.....for the one and a half months that my dad was in hospital,I prayed every waking hour and in my hours of sleep to revive him...but god never answered my prayers...I lived in terror,so did my brother and my mother that one and a half months,terrified at what the news would be,shaken at how we'd live without our father....but that god did not answer...

My devout mother chanted all the mantras known to Hindus...but that god did not respond,the mantras did not work.....why would they?they are after all mere words written by someone many millennia ago with a talent for words.....

But my mother's faith in god has not been shaken..I find this strange,not even when that god took away her companion of four decades...

Does god exist?

It is obvious that he doesnt for if he did,he would save my dad,...if he did he would save the world from hunger and disease and dehumanising poverty....

If god exists,he'd stop nations from going to war and put an end to injustice and discrimination...

If god exists,he would surely not have created the have-nots!!!he'd surely not allow rape and brutality and other forms of violence....

If god exists,wouldn't he have answered our prayers?my prayers and your prayers??

If you think deeply,never have your calls for help to him been responded to....If a solution to your problem has been presented with,it is because your mind has learnt to accept the next best option and you have stopped questioning.....

God,fate,destiny are the creations of the priestly class to perpetuate their power on earth...to dominate over weaklings,the scum of the earth.....us....